Sometimes a friend asks a great personal question

RLM / June 2025

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Mid July, Note: I wrote the article below a few weeks ago.  I wanted to share it immediately.  But, honestly, I felt God wanted me to hold back for some reason.  This last weekend I preached a sermon on Delighting in God’s Word.  I talked about that idea as a concept; I used Jesus as the ultimate powerful example of delighting in the Word (Psalm 1, Psalm 19, Psalm 119).   I used some negative examples of people “using” the word for their own advantage or to take advantage of others (totally contrary to the gospel, mind you) in Matthew 23.  Then looked at the first of nine reasons we ought to delight in in given in Psalm 19; 

      The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul; (Psalm 19:7a)

The gist of this is the idea that God’s word can “revive” or recover, or turn us back to working order or a previous state.  It has the ability to revive the broken, the discouraged, the crushed.

Well, I was the crushed one.  And yes, I can testify that God through the Word can revive people who have been broken.  

Below is that testimony, as I answer a question from a friend…

I know this is a long document, but you might find it worth it…

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When you go through tough things, it’s good to examine them from different angles.  I’ve seen what we’ve gone through from the lens of self-experience, from the lens of scripture, from the lens of psychology, etc.  

But here is a new one.

I was with a friend at a coffee shop.

John: How did you sense God working in what was happening over the last few months?

Me: Hmmmm… I gave him two or three quick thoughts.  Yeah, the highlights.

Since that day, I took a few more minutes to scribble out a list of things that came to mind: Here is that list with some elaboration. When hard things happen, it is sometimes assumed that God is against you (who sinned, this man or his parents) or that God doesn’t exist.  Quite to the contrary, I know he exists, and I know that these things have happened because the world is a sinful place, and that stain of sin is on every one of us — whether we deny it or not.  These things have happened because God loves me and wants me to grow up in some way.  No, it wasn’t pleasant, no, God didn’t do it.  God allowed stresses in my life, and it was for my good.

God gave me a wife who loved me, who supported me through it.

So yes, this bit is about my wife, but it really is about God.  God gave me Katherine, and I need her daily, but in the last half of a year, I needed her more than ever.

She was gracious to me.  When I first found myself in a bit of a jam, she was a bit — shall we say — doubtful.  Was it as bad as all that?  She believed.  She trusted me.  She supported me.  She tried going in and sorting it out herself.  She spent three hours listening to this and that.  She came back hopeful.  She woke up the next morning disillusioned.  She said that the person she had gone to speak to had “lied to me.”  It turned her stomach.  It crushed her.  It steeled her heart.

She was a profound support when I felt all other support structures were gone.

We still are struggling, we still feel like we need an oxygen mask after a fire, though sometimes we seem fine.  The smoke lingers.  The scent is still on our clothes and lives in the furniture.

He prepared me friends who listened and asked questions.

From the start, God gave me a few other friends who listened, asked questions, did some detective work, and came to my aid.  God gave me these people.  They are and were incredible.  God, thank you for them.

This section could be very long.  I won’t do that to you.  I will just thank them.

He prepared me for the worst of it.

As I reached the place where the wheels were coming off, in early, early November, I just happened to buy a book on Logos’ website — the title was on sale and it piqued my interest, so I bought it.  It is called The Church Called Tov.

I was so interested that that day and the next I read the first three chapters.  It was descriptive.  It was not describing some potential event or some hypothetical experience, it was describing the qualities of my very experience.

I always thought that the troubles were about a few xxxxxxx and xxxxxxxxx men, but I had new words to describe what was going on.  I could see that it was about a culture, and that culture was about control and the xxxxxxxxxxxxx of others in that control.  I saw it for what it was.  It frightened me.

It was after this, on November 7, that the closed doors of my mind, and the windows of my heart, saw my situation for what it was.  It terrified me.  It was over.

I just “happened” to pick up this book, just when I needed it.  No, I think it was divinely planted in my path.

Advice: read The Church Called Tov, by McKnight, Scot, Laura Barringer, and Tish Harrison Warren, Tyndale Elevate, 2020. Also Bully Pulpit by seminary president Kruger, Michael J.  Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Reflective, 2022. Print.

He sustained me through the darkest months.

What can be said here?  I don’t remember much about early November through mid-December.  It was a blur.  Anxiety.  Depression.  The inability to think.  The inability to reason.  It was horrible.  What kills me is now I look back and see how “self-focused” I became.  That’s not me.  I couldn’t think past certain things and the hurt — I am typically not so.  I fight to not be self-focused (though I know I am, for that is the nature of man).  But, maybe I need to see to my own needs too.  Maybe I’m missing something that is good.

God sustained me by not leaving my side; he was there.  I wasn’t ready to find true healing, but he was there.  I know it.

I watched tv.  I read books that had to do with my problem.  I had a hard time reading scripture — the hurt was very deep.  I was so “self”-focused in trauma.  I mourned the loss of my ministry and my church family.  I cried.

I would like to briefly discuss a few passages of scripture that stood out.  My study ability had suffered, but God spoke to me little by little.  I tried to be open.

Psalm 46 / This was the first piece of scripture I tried to read and study.  Somewhere in November or December.  This is a powerful poem about noise and clatter, a din of voices and noises — but only one voice matters.  In the middle of the Psalm, where the chiastic structure guides our eye to seek, we see that it is his voice that matters.  It is his power that shatters the weapons of the enemies and makes the very earth melt.  Listen to God alone.  Listen to God alone.  Tune out the garbage.  One Lord.  If you are struggling, this would be my recommended course of action — listen only to God for a time.  Tune out the other static.

Psalm 56 / This one was recommended by my daughter, Molly.  A Miktam of David, I do love me a good Miktam every now and again!  This tells the state of mind of David in a difficult situation — of men who oppress him from elevated positions of pride, who trample him, who attack him secretly.  They lurk for him to do him harm.  It tells of his tossing and turnings on his bed, his mental anguish, and eventually of his deliverance.

In the midst of it, we see a God who is not removed from David but intimate with him through the storm.  

You have kept count of my tossings

Put my tears in your bottle

Are they not in your book?

God counts the turnings and tossings we have as we try to sleep in the dark night of the soul.  He cares.  He puts tears in a bottle, he thinks them precious.  He loves. He writes down David’s story in his book — I think he does for us too.  He loves us deeply and wants to help us in the times we struggle for words or grasp for life or hang on by our fingernails to sanity or hope.

I believe that everything we go through has purposes, particularly if we go through them as a Child of God.  Even our wrong steps can be vast learning experiences if we admit them, repent from them, confess them.  Even the things that are not our sin and out of control happen for reasons.  I believe God is drawing us to him.  He allows these things to happen to us to make us better people.

In God I trust, (not man) I shall not be afraid

What can man do to me?

This one is still a work in progress.  If you’ve experienced what I’ve experienced, you would understand.  Hopefully you never will, because it comes with a cost.

Closely associated with this other passage is 2 Samuel 23:1-7.  These are in a section called “the last words of David.”  This would take some exposition, but I’m not going to give it here. If you are curious, seek out the Moody Handbook of Messianic Prophecy for a bit of explanation.  

The main points of this passage, if we translate it a bit differently, for very good reasons, are the following.

• This is written by David
• His favorite subject to sing about is the Anointed one of Israel (not himself)
• When Messiah will rule over people in justice, it will be astounding and different. It will be like the dawn, like the sun shining, etc.
• But his house is not exactly like that; in fact, it fails to deliver this result.
• But one day it will succeed when Messiah comes.
• Some people are like thorns.

There is a great amount of humility here, noting the failures of his line, and confidence that God will somehow bring about the prophetic utterances of an Anointed King, who will one day reign in justice.  Such is not the case.  Such has never been the case.  We still wait for that day.

Don’t let politics, whether church, local, or national, get in the way of your relationship with God.  We are all failed men and women.  There is no one on earth that we should put up above Messiah Christ.  Don’t get too loyal to your side that you do harmful things to the other side.  Respect others.  

I wrote a poem when I was in New Orleans on a trip with my wife; it was early April. 

It engages the ideas of the last two passages I mentioned, and I wept when it was written.  I long for a good ruler, a just one to come and make everything right again.  Everything is so messed up, and we pretend “our guys” have it right and “your guys” are out to lunch.  This is not so; we are all very, very sinful.  Confession and repentance are the key to much of this; not posturing and evading.

He gave me five children who loved, listened and respected me.

In all of this, my children, who definitely are a gift of God, comforted me.  They said kind words, they spoke harsh words, they mourned with me.  I am grateful for their love.  I can never repay God for them.

They were sometimes the voice of God in my ear.  They told me they were proud of me for standing up for what I believed in, they told me I was brave.  They told me I was intelligent.  They hugged me.

God hugged me through them.

Molly came home mid-December.  Jamie came home a little after that.  And then I had all my children near.  She was quick to give passages of Scripture for me to think about!

My son Jamie had a good quip that sums up the issue succinctly and with humor: “Imagine being corrupted by mild power.”

My son Robin gave me many good, encouraging words during this whole season.

My son Kegan wrote me the single greatest text I have ever received.  It will be treasured forever in my heart.  Through this whole thing, I learned to relate to him better than I did and understand him a bit more, for I have now experienced things that he has described, but didn’t really comprehend due to my lack of firsthand knowledge.

He encouraged me with a quilt, some guitar picks, and a video.

On Christmas morning I received a good amount of encouragement from God.

This came in the form of three gifts.

The first was a quilt, and a note.  My dear friends conspired together to plan and provide a homemade quilt comprising of many of the MAP shirts throughout the years.  MAP trips were summer missions trips with the teens, and locally I have organized about 20 of them.  Each year we design a shirt.

This wonderful quilt is hanging in our family room today, I’m looking at it as I type.  It brings, and brought, tears.  God told me through this that whatever changes in the future, nothing can take away good and true events, people and ministry of the past.

With it came a small note of thanks.  That note means just as much as the quilt.

The second was a box of guitar pick shaped notes by my family.

These were precious.  They are personal.  And they helped.  And, they did make fun of me a bit, which is par for the course.

The third was a video that my youngest son put together with others.

Joey had asked people whom we have worked with in the past to video little snippets of thanks and appreciation for Katherine and I from, primarily, people we have had in youth group or college group through the years.

This was packed with lovely, powerful, potent reminders of the things that were important.  It was not about ministry lost, it was about ministry remembered.  It was not about what God was going to stop doing, it was about what he continues to do.

Perhaps one day I will show it to you.  I would love for you to see it.  It was humbling and encouraging and convicting.  

It was a love note from God himself.

He gave me friends who would stick up for me and walk through the fire with me.

When you have true friends they stick up for you.  Yes, they sometimes ask you to repent from something too, and some did.  They are kind, listening, resilient, tenacious, and powerful.  Fierce.  Sometimes too fierce, they admitted to me.  But, oh well.  I’d rather have fierce friends than lukewarm ones, that’s what Jesus said too.

God gave them to me.  I cannot repay them. 

He gave me the heart to laugh at the most ridiculous parts.

Some parts of the last few months have been ridiculous.  Very funny.  I hope I can still laugh a few years from now.  I will need to remember the crazy parts to help put the whole train wreck in perspective.  Desperate people do stupid things.  They can be funny.

There are a few parts of the biblical stories that are hilarious.  I’m glad I have my own, and that he revealed to me how crazy some of this is, so I know that it’s not me going crazy — someone told me “you’re not crazy, you are just too close to someone else’s craziness.”  This person was one of the counselors I talked to.  Thank you for that insight.

Some of it still makes me laugh out loud.  If it wasn’t so sad.

He helped me with a counselor to talk to.

I never went to a counselor to talk about issues.  Never seemed to feel the need.  That has changed.  I have enjoyed talking through things with a few men who ask very good questions and help get to the heart of the matter.  

God led me to this too.

My first counselor was a great listening ear with a few good pieces of info.  My second one helped us to sort out the muck and mire and find our footing.  God’s principles were a large part of that counseling.

He gave me friends who wrote notes, and texts, and gave me calls.  Most appearing at just the right time.

I cannot count the number of people who wrote a note, gave a call, sent a text, etc.  These were beautiful.  One day we will go back and read them.

If you sent one, thank you!

The feeling of abandonment is strong when you lose a certain position or ministry, and I’m not saying that hasn’t crept in.  I have tried to keep it at bay.

He gave Katherine and I more help right when we needed it most.  He out of the blue sent us to Alongside.  Almost as if he knew what was coming.

This was probably the single biggest thing God provided.

Mid February we were at our wits end.  We were drowning in the situation.  Formal deliberations were getting nowhere but backward.  Friends were telling us to hang on.  Depression was lessened but still present.  Anxiety still lived and breathed.

We talked to a friend at a church service we went to.  He and his family had just gone to this place called Alongside in Richland.  “Did we know about it?”  No, not so much.  A little, I guess.

Well, turns out that Alongside exists to come along side missionaries and pastors who are going through some sort of “wringer,” a ministry difficulty of some sort or another.  Hmmm.   

I called the next day and talked to someone there.  I told them my situation.  I asked if this was something that they could help with.  The answer was, yes.  They typically have a waiting list for 6 months or so, but they had a space open in March (two weeks away) for one of their recovery sessions.  These were three week retreats.  I jumped at the chance.  This had a hefty price tag.  We were happy to pay it.  It was worth it.

God had laid it on the heart of someone years ago to have a ministry such as this.  God had lead my friend to talk about it with me.  God made it possible for me to go as soon as possible — I couldn’t wait another week, let alone six months.

I was able to participate in this program with about 12 or so other individuals and couples.  We had seminars, group therapy (talking through our situations with others), and individual counseling.  We organized social things in the evening.  We became a family.  We struggled, we were open with each other, we wept, we were confused — all of it.

It was our second full day when our biggest hurt came. Early March. Katherine was crushed. Untrue things shouted to the ends of the earth.  We were in a place that was designed for this kind of thing — we found the support, help, kindness, understanding, the scripture to put all of this into perspective.  If we were home for this, what might that have done to us?  What if we didn’t have the support we needed?  God was there.  He made the difficult easier.

When you suffer for right things — you suffer with Christ.  It doesn’t make it fun, but it does make it have purpose.  Jesus said we would suffer.  We were.

We found so much clarity there at Alongside, so much encouragement.  We found our agency to speak back to the wrongness, to put down boundaries (not personally good at guarding my boundaries), and to be strong.  We did this quietly, we did not respond in kind but through proper channels.  But we did it.

This time gave me the courage to resign myself to a few things, and one of them was to resign to God’s working in my life.

They also told us that these kinds of stories and issues are quite common, and that we are not crazy. That helps.

He showed me that I hadn’t fundamentally changed.

While at Alongside, and for the months before it, I felt broken.  I felt that I had been broken in such a way as that my very nature had changed.  Perhaps I couldn’t be myself anymore.  Perhaps I was damaged so much that I lost something.

God told me different.

My new family encouraged me by telling me what they saw in my nature, in the person God made me to be.  A few things in particular stand out.

One man told me that I was the embodiment of “hospitality.”  That I made people feel at home, and that this was not my home, so it was a strong trait.  I made people feel important and comfortable.  I was welcoming and warm.  He said I should plant churches, because this is needed in the Christian world.

Another told me that I was a bringer of “joy.”  That my sense of joy, and my sense of humor, brought out their joy for the first time in months.  I had not felt joy in months myself.  Christmas was not practically a time of “joy” in my life this year, it was a grieving and a mourning for what was gone, what was broken apart.  The gifts I received at Christmas started healing this, and Alongside and the people there made it come to life.

I took the enneagram test while I was there too.  Not because it was part of the program, but because during some of our conversations with other participants it kept coming up.  My results were not surprising, than again they kind of were.

Some highlights of my results; 

• 2 / Considerate Helper / 98% match / a people person, a servant of others. People centric.
• 6 / The Loyal Skeptic / 94% match / a person concerned with safety, and prepared for problems.
• 4 / The Intense Creative / 92% match / the creative type, special(?) and discontent.
• 8 / The Active Controller / 85% match / people who lead and stand up for what they believe in.

My lowest score; revealed to you for humor’s sake; 

• 1 / The Strict Perfectionist / 38% match / the person who is always in order, and must always be right.

So who am I?  I am a people person who will stand up for what they believe in.  I am a person who sees someone in trouble and desires to help.  I will give of my own time and wealth to do so.  I do not do this perfectly, but this is who I am.  I see people in danger and want it to end.  I am a creative type who want’s to make an artistic difference in this world.  I am a person who stands up for what is right, sometimes no matter what the cost.  I don’t care that it is not done perfectly with every t crossed and I dotted.

I would encourage everyone to take the little test and see what you get.  As an aside I’d also encourage you to listen to the album Enneagram by Sleeping at Last.  Each song entitled the number for the corresponding number in the test.  I listened to the Two song a few times that week and wept.  It described my inner feelings very well, thanks Molly and Joey for pointing that album out.

Engaging with others again for the first time in months showed me that I was not broken.  I was who I was.  Who I am is not perfect.  But it is who God made me to be, and speaks to what he wants me to do with my life.

He showed me deep fellowship again.

Defensiveness and obfuscation in Christianity is a blight.  True fellowship is found in “walking in the light” as John called it, admitting your faults and failures to those around you and submitting one to another. Being unable to be honest about your feelings, what is effecting you, what you are going through, what you did, your weaknesses in those things, and just being a bit vulnerable is not a loving situation.

I adored our time in group at Alongside.  Listening to the hearts of each other as we worked through our issues, being open and vulnerable, or learning how to be vulnerable, learning how to listen and to care for each other, all of that was a breath of fresh air that I hadn’t smelled in a long while.

This is fellowship.  This is honesty.  It is healing.

When we expressed our weakness, and sometime our sins, to one another it didn’t bring hatred or separation or anger — it largely brought love in its wake.  We didn’t despise each other for our weaknesses, rather we were witnesses of them.  We came alongside each other and felt a deep brotherhood in our own vulnerability.  We saw not only our tragic situations but also were able to see behind them to God and what he was doing.  We wept with those who wept.  We rejoiced with those who rejoiced.

I desire that kind of fellowship again.  I’m tired of our masks. 

God made this fellowship possible, I wish more of us took advantage of it.

He gave us back agency and clarity

I guess I already talked about this a few paragraphs ago.  I mention it now just because it was in my initial list of thoughts.

God did this.

He gave me back the ability to study and to write, when it was already dead and gone.

I love to study God’s word.  I love to write about it.  It is one of the joys of my life.

It was dead.  From early November till well into January I was broken in this way.  I couldn’t look at scripture — it hurt.  I had no ability to focus whatsoever.  It was gone.  I couldn’t express my thoughts or feelings.  I tried a bit a few times and my wife told me that what I wrote was “not so good.”

I began studying a bit with Psalm 46, I think it was, and it was rough.

Since then I’ve keep at it, writing and studying for no one but myself.  I look at it is therapy.  I need to work through some things, and how I do that is to do so through a few different processes.

• To look at scripture and consider it as deep as I can.
• To think about things and consider the ramifications of truth.
• To think about how these things effect us as people.
• To think about it in an artistic fashion; through writing and poetry.
• To think about it as how to explain it to others.

These things are coming back.  God is granting me healing.  I studied scripture again about a month in to my problem in December sometime.

He helped me to see that my problem, though terrible, was not nearly as bad as some others.

A few encounters with friends this week have shown me that this is bad, but it’s not as bad as some others have experienced lately.  So, I should be grateful.  I am.

God helped me get some perspective yet again.

I don’t see this stuff as happenstance.  I believe our journey of the last few years, and particularly my recovery, was and is in the gracious hands of God.  Standing up for what is right is difficult.  Telling the truth is dangerous.

Thank you again Lord Jesus, for being my personal Messiah.  Coming and healing me when I needed it.  And thank you to all who have had a positive hand in these last months.