RLM / May 11, 2026

There are two polar opposite views that are not true; the first is “there is no such thing as spiritual abuse” and the opposing view is “everything done by church leaders is abuse.”  Both of these are misguided.  Of course, there is abuse that happens in churches and of course, there are things that leaders do that are not classified or thought of as abuse.

After a year and a half of thinking on this topic, I’ve concluded in my own heart that the danger of spiritual abuse occurs because (1) all people are sinners and therefore all categories of people (including pastors and leaders) have the potential for deep evil and (2) when people consider themselves “above” or “better than others” or “entitled,” they are even more so capable of abusive behaviors.  Combining the two, if people consider themselves beyond sin and combine that with being entitled too — then we get a perfect storm of potential abuse.  Like mixing deadly chemicals together in the baptistry.

But what is abuse?  Abuse is using something in the wrong way.  Drug abuse is the abuse of drugs.  Sexual abuse is the abuse of sex.  Spiritual abuse is the abuse of spiritual positions.  Yeah, it happens.  It is recorded in the Bible in numerous places and warned about in almost every book of the New Testament.

Here’s one way to explain it.

Each and every person is an autonomous person given freedom by his creation and doubly so in Christ — being made to be free in Christ.  Each person has the benefits of personhood, or the characteristics of personhood: intellect, emotion, and will.  We see in the Bible the respect Jesus shows people on all three levels; he recognizes people have intellect and opinions and thoughts and allows them to have them, he recognizes that people are emotional beings and meets them typically with tenderness and kindness even in extreme situations, and also Jesus recognizes people’s individual wills — they choose what they want to do and choose sometimes poorly.  Jesus respects people fully.  Another way of saying this is that he loves them.

The idea of agape love is this deep “regard” and “esteem” for people that demonstrates itself in actions that seek good in the other person’s life and therefore seeks no harm.  In this kind of love, an individual would rather suffer themselves to bring another person good and would also never consider harming others.  This is love.  It is shown most clearly in the person of Jesus who gave himself completely on the cross so that people who deserved no good received (through faith) the greatest possible good.  

Spiritual abuse is the opposite of this.  Spiritual abuse is the intentional “playing” with the personhood of others in order, in the end, to get what the abuser wants accomplished against the very will of other people.  That is the end goal.  It is accomplished in at least three ways — each of these is to break a person’s will and make them compliant.  I must warn you now that these things are destructive to the person who is under their spell.  

Spiritual abuse is lying to confuse the intellect of others.

• What should be done: Honesty and truth in all situations, transparency in most things.
• What should not be done: lying in order to cover true motivations, distorting truth by exaggeration or avoidance of areas of doctrine.

When we think of false teachers, we almost always run to deep and obvious cults.  This is not the New Testament’s view of things — false teachers were not just in large cults but in small local churches.  Paul ran into them.  John ran into a fellow who always had to be “first,” and this man did much damage.

In Ephesians 4, Paul encourages people to grow in the knowledge of Christ so…

that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.  Ephesians 4:14. [ESV]

Each of these ideas mentioned has the idea of sowing not only “misinformation” but combining it with some form of craziness;

• Waves / unstable, inconsistent, dangerous
• Wind / empty teaching, no true depth to it
• Human cunning / dice playing, slight of hand
• Craftiness / subtle cunning behavior, trickery
• Deceitful Schemes / erroneous stratagems, designed to trick

What lies in stark contrast to this is simply telling the truth to people.  No hiding of agendas, no secret councils, no power brokers, no half-truths, no games — if you respect others, you will simply tell the truth and let people make their own decisions based upon right and true information.

Let the people’s decisions be made on truth, not on lies and games — giving them their freedom.

Spiritual abuse is manipulating others to befuddle the emotions of others.

• What should be done: let love be sincere.
• What should not be done: playing with the emotional state of others.

This is very similar to lying, obviously, but targets not only the intellect but the emotions of people.  In particular, it is found in the testimony of Paul when he was being accused of being a charlatan —

For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you. [2 Co 1:12]

His response to such accusations was not manipulative in manner but rather open.  Here are the concepts that he leaned on in his relationships with other people:

• Simplicity / this has the sense of holiness, or the idea of “pure in motive.”  No ulterior hidden motive, what you see is what you get.
• Godly sincerity / the word sincerity has the idea of “being judged by the sun” and thus much like the idea of the modern term transparency.  
• In the Grace of God / These two things combined with the strength of God’s grace, wherein a person who is imperfect relies on God’s goodness in overlooking confessed sins.

Here are some characteristics of personal manipulation: 

Yet, in the desire to maintain control, we end up sinfully and selfishly using such tactics as coercion, trickery, lying, complaints, mind games, denial, fake kindness, exaggeration, accusations, murderous threats, comparisons, blame-shifting, guilt-tripping, playing dumb, ridicule, insults, and silent treatment—just to name a few. / Mark Jones and Rosaria Butterfield, Knowing Sin: Seeing a Neglected Doctrine Through the Eyes of the Puritans (Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2022), 149.

These are abusive ways to relate to each other in the Body of Christ.

Spiritual abuse is bullying other people into compliance.

• What should be done: be gentle and kind with others.
• What should not be done: using language and body to intimidate and coerce others.

In the end, this is what abuse or manipulation is all about.  When lying and manipulation don’t get the job done, then some will turn to the oldest means in the book — bullying.  

We’ve all experienced this since elementary school. Some people think they are better than you, and to get you to do what they want, they make a fist or threaten.  Nothing is new under the sun.  Back in the days of Hannah and Samuel in 1 Samuel, we see this work out in a not-so-subtle way through questionable behavior of a few priests.  Their service before the Lord was marked with coercion.

And if the man said to him, “Let them burn the fat first, and then take as much as you wish,” he would say, “No, you must give it now, and if not, I will take it by force.” Thus the sin of the young men was very great in the sight of the Lord, for the men treated the offering of the Lord with contempt.  [1 Sam 2:16-17]

There were a number of things wrong with their behavior. (1) a deep respect for people, (2) a deep respect for the things of the Lord, and later it is revealed that (3) they slept with the women who served at the tent of God.  I have to imagine that this sexual fulfillment on their part was not a kind and loving experience but another abuse.  

Spiritual abuse does not occur in every instance of spiritual leadership — but it does happen way more often than we would like to think.  I was talking to a friend at a ministry that helps people who have gone through such things as listed above, and they told me that these things happen very, very often.

It should be understood that it was the abuses of Samuel’s sons above that made God desire to put aside the Levitical priests and encourage him to anoint the Messiah.  The Messiah, the actual term, is a bit of a slight in the inadequacies of the priest of the Old Testament.  God says, let me rise up a real priest and anoint him.  This also is true for the role of King — who God would fulfill in Jesus.  A minority of the Kings were what God would call righteous people.  Even some of the good ones had murder and adultery in their closet for a while — until those instances were spoken in confession.

Not only this, but the term Good Shepherd, which Jesus later adopts, was called good because God recognized all the formal leaders of Israel were people who bad shepherds (feeding and protecting themselves) instead of protecting the sheep.  Jesus was the Good Shepherd.

Conclusions

Please know that abuse happens in the church setting.  Please be aware of it.  Not all ecclesiastical actions are abuse — but those good actions should look like Jesus.  Jesus came not to be served but to serve.  He rejected the leadership styles of becoming an overlord and being a person who loves the authority over others.  Can you imagine Jesus doing any of the things above?  Do you see this behavior in his words and deeds?  No, you see a man who, though he was sinless, treated people like they were people who required respect.  Harlots, tax collectors, zealots, and the rest.  The people he was harsh and blunt with were the people who were the Pharisees and Sadducees; the arrogant and abusive leaders of his day.  Jesus was angry at the way they misled and mistreated people, and his anger was white-hot.

Consider not the statements that people make but the actions they do.  If you see multiple red flags, beware.    If there are only one or two, keep your head and overlook some stupid behaviors. 

If you bring abuse to people’s attention, beware again, because you will soon be the problem — be prepared to be a new victim, be prepared to have your name dragged through the mud.  But if someone is being hurt or used — perhaps it is your calling to suffer for doing the right thing.

The more awareness of these things, the better chance people will not be hurt.  Perhaps letting pastors and leaders be aware of this will keep them from being sucked into the culture of abuse.  Remember, people who think they don’t sin mixed together with people who think they are better than others is a hotbed for bad behavior.

Whatever it takes — to protect the sheep.

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Note: Such behaviors are no good in marital relationship, dating relationships, parenting relationship or in no relationship known to man.

Don’t lie, don’t manipulate, do not bully.

Period.